Dear Khalid,

I’m a 126 superhero from Alberta, Canada. I’ve been flirting with a girl from work a lot recently, and I really think she’s into me. The only problem is her dork-ass boyfriend. Dude’s a total bitch, but she won’t leave him. What should I do?

Signed,
Hungry Like The Wolf

Are you sure you’re not confusing yourself with Wolverine from X-men, and this bitch-like dude isn’t cyclops, and this girl you’re after isn’t Jean Grey? Because it sounds to me like you have severe mental issues and girls don’t dig severe mental issues. They like just enough issues so that you’re not boring and there’s still some of you left to work on. If she flirts with you back but isn’t giving you any, then she just likes the attention (which is no fault of her own). I’d suggest fixing your own issues before trying to get into a relationship with anyone. In the meanwhile, you can have all the fun you want picking up chicks at bars and banging their brains out, but I wouldn’t recommend a relationship for you just yet.

Also I’d like to add that Eric’s (my colleague) standpoint on this one, “I don’t shit where I eat”. This means you shouldn’t even bother dating girls in the workplace, but if you really like this girl and are a “superhero” like you say you are, then I’d cut the superhero crap because it’s not going to score you any points with her if you’re already beyond an aesthetic relationship. At this point you might be in the friend zone and she might be in too deep with this guy to consider anyone else, even superman.

I’m trying to take real questions here people.

Dear Jesus Christ,

Read the bible.

Yours truly,
Khalid Abdullah

Dear Khalid
My wife and I are a very happy couple and deeply in love. But walking back to our new apartment after a night out at the theatre, we encountered a thief in a dark alley, and I was murdered. Now I find myself trapped as a ghost and I’ve realised that my death really was no accident. I must warn my wife about the danger that she is in. But as a ghost I can not be seen or heard by the living. What can I do?
Please help,
Ghost in Manhattan

Dear Khalid,

This Broad and her guy came to my home sweet hole in the ground asking me to help them get back the house that some arrogant snobby pricks moved into when the broad and her guy died. Should I help them get their house back, Get rid of her husband and claim the broad for my own, or have an animated show where I gallivant around the underworld with the Snob’s Daughter Lydia?

Sincerly mine,
B.U.R.P
Beettlejuice Urgently Requesting Pity

Uhhh my first names Butt,

so like, there’s this girl in my school named dar-..ehehheh diarrhea heh heh heh heh

and like, she talks to me sometimes..i think i can score. so like, how do i score? heh heh heh

Dear Khalid,

I recently found out that the girl I’ve been crushing on is actually my twin sister.

What’s a Jedi to do?

Sincerely,
Depressed in Dagobah

hahahah this is so awesome.

Just to recap, Khalid has signed his responses with the following::

Yours truly,
It’s still too soon,
I’m batman,
You’re not worth sincerity,
Eat my asshole with a spoon,

Dear Khalid,
I am a man who has tastes for women, lots of women. I like them tall, small, Slutty…Basically if they know how to handle my Wood and use it to get my balls off the green and in to the hole she is the girl for me. But I recently found myself in a sand trap suffering from a concussion and an apparent Sex Addiction. What should I do, my financial backers are dropping like flies and I am being suggested to go into hiding and work things out with my family. I really don’t think i did anything wrong, it’s my family’s fault for not satisfying my diverse needs. What should I do Khalid?

Yours truly,
Boned on the Fairway